4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

(and what nurturing love looks like)

We all need someone who reads us well and believes in us.

This is the essence of what security feels like in a relationship: knowing that the other person sees you, understands you, and celebrates who you are. But what happens if you didn’t receive this kind of nurturing love as a child?

There is essentially one way to provide this nurturing love that we all need to develop and thrive, but there are many ways to frustrate a child’s need for love. In this week’s Faith & Feeling’s episode, I talk about 3 things every child needs from their parents, and I also unpack 4 types of emotionally immature parents by psychologist Lindsey Gibson:

Or listen to the episode on Spotify here.

4 types of emotionally immature parents

In her research on adult children of emotionally immature parents, psychologist Lindsey Gibson categorized the following 4 emotionally immature parenting styles. I’ve briefly summarized them below (make sure listen to this week’s episode for a more in-depth description of each type!):

1. The emotional parent.

Emotional parents are the most juvenile of the four types. They give the impression that they need to be watched over and handled carefully. It doesn’t take much to upset them, and then everyone in the family scrambles to soothe them. When emotional parents disintegrate, they take their children with them. Their children experience their despair, rage, or hatred in all its intensity. These parents’ emotional instability is the most predictable thing about them.

2. The driven parent.

Driven parents are the type that tends to look the most normal, even appearing invested in their children’s lives. Most of the time, you wouldn’t notice anything unhealthy about them. However, these parents’ emotional immaturity shows up in the way they make assumptions about other people, expecting everyone to value the same things they do. Rather than accepting their children’s unique interests and life paths, they selectively praise and push what they want to see.

3. The passive parent.

Passive parents aren’t angry or pushy like the other three types, but they still have negative effects. Compared to the other types, these parents seem more emotionally available, but only up to a point. When things get too intense, they become passive and withdraw emotionally. Children wisely know not to expect or ask for much help from these parents. Passive parents may love their children, but they can’t help them.

4. The rejecting parent.

Rejecting parents seem to have a wall around them. They don’t want to spend time with their children and seem happiest if others leave them alone to do what they want. Their children feel as if this parent would be fine if they didn’t exist. These parents’ irritated demeanor teaches their children not to approach them, and they reject attempts to draw them into affectionate or emotional interactions. If pushed for a response, they may become angry or even abusive.

Is there one type that seems to describe your experience? What is it like to have this named?

Journeying together,

Taylor Joy