Engaging Your Family of Origin Story
Relational skill #3
We all come into the family of Jesus carrying wounds from being born into a broken world and imperfect families.
God’s intention is to heal us, but we must first become aware of what needs to be changed in us. In this week’s Faith & Feelings episode, my clinical supervisor Carley Marcouillier and I talk about how discipleship involves reflecting on both the positive and negative influences of our family of origin.
This is hard work. But the extent to which we can go back and understand how our history has shaped us will determine, to a large degree, our ability to break destructive patterns and grow in love towards God and people. We also introduce our third relational skill for emotionally healthy relationships—the genogram—a practical tool for increasing self-awareness and understanding how your family story may still be shaping your present relationships. I hope you’ll listen in:
Or listen to the episode on Spotify or YouTube.
In our conversation, Carley and I explored a powerful concept from Pete Scazzero’s book on Emotionally Healthy Relationships—what he calls the “unbiblical family commandments.” These are the spoken and unspoken messages we absorb growing up, often without realizing it, and they shape the way we relate to others, to ourselves, and God.
Some examples of these unspoken rules might sound familiar:
Avoid conflict at all costs.
Sadness is a sign of weakness.
Anger is dangerous and bad.
Don’t trust people—they’ll let you down.
These messages may never have been explicitly said out loud, but they were felt—woven into the fabric of how emotions were engaged, how mistakes were handled, and how vulnerability was responded to in our families. And unless we do the work of naming and examining them, they can shape the way we navigate our adult relationships—often without us even realizing it.
Here are a few questions to consider for reflection this week:
What were some of the “unspoken rules” in your family growing up?
Pay attention to your behavior this week. When something feels off, pause and ask “How did my family do that?”
Journeying together,
Taylor Joy