The Reason Why You Feel Emotionally Lonely

The kind of loneliness that you feel even when you're not alone

Emotional loneliness is the kind of loneliness that you can feel even in the presence of others.

It results from a lack of emotional connection, and it can sometimes be even more painful than being physically alone. It’s that feeling of being unseen… a vague and private experience, not easy to recognize or find words for. While just as wounding as a physical injury, emotional loneliness is less obvious because doesn’t show on the outside.

So many of us experience emotional loneliness. But what exactly is it? And where does it come from? In this week’s episode, I continue our series on “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by talking about what emotional loneliness is and we feel it. Listen to the episode here:

Or listen to the episode on Spotify here.

2 different kinds of loneliness

Loneliness is not the same thing as being alone. While alone is a state of being, loneliness is a feeling. I’ve differentiated the two different kinds of loneliness below. Then, we’ll talk about why some people experience the feeling of loneliness more than others.

1. Lonely because you’re alone.

The first kind of loneliness results of lack of social connection and stems from being physically alone. This feeling is painful, especially when it’s difficult to find people to connect with, but it does go away when you are in the presence of others.

2. Lonely even when you aren’t alone.

The second kind of loneliness (emotional loneliness) can be felt when you are alone and when you are surrounded by people. This kind of loneliness comes from not having enough emotional intimacy with people, often starting in childhood.

Childhood unmet needs

Growing up with emotionally immature or unavailable parents can be a lonely experience. We need connection to survive, and if we didn’t get the connection that we needed as children, God designed our bodies to instinctively adapt to our circumstances in both brilliant and heartbreaking ways.

In this 5-minute YouTube video, physician and author Gabor Mate talks about this in a way that has been so clarifying and helpful for me:

How do I know if I’m emotionally lonely?

Adult children who grew up with a lack of emotional engagement describe the resulting feeling of emotional loneliness like an “inner ache” or a “gut feeling of emptiness.” Others recall this sense of “homesickness while being home,” describing their childhood home like “floating in an ocean with no one around me.”

Psychologist Lindsey Gibson lists the following common effects on adult children, stemming from emotional loneliness.

• I often put other’s needs first at the price of admission into the relationship.

• I struggle to trust my gut instinct.

• I became self-sufficient & left childhood behind quickly.

• I struggle with self-confidence.

• I sometimes feel guilty or confused for my unhappiness.

If this feeling of emotional loneliness resonates with you, think back to your earliest experience of it. Do any memories come to mind?

Journeying together,

Taylor Joy