When You Feel Unworthy of God's Goodness
"Why do I feel guilty for expressing my desires to God?"
We all have these complicated tangles of belief, identity, and narrative, and one of the early stories we often begin telling ourselves is a one of our own scarcity.
“Maybe I don’t matter.”
“Maybe I’m not good enough.”
“Maybe I’m not worthy of love, belonging, and joy.”
This sense of lack and not-enoughness that we feel within ourselves and from each other, we can sense from God, too.
When we bring these stories of scarcity with us into our relationships with God, we may ache for nourishment and grace, but we find ourselves living out of a place of exhaustion and starvation. We come to God’s table with a deep sense of unworthiness, scraps feeling like all we can hope for. Anything more seems selfish or presumptuous. When scarcity has become familiar, goodness and abundance can start to feel suspicious.
This is what Chesed Dent and I talk about in this week’s Faith & Feelings episode. Reflecting on her experiences of growing up as a missionary kid and her current work in higher education, she invites us into her own journey towards deeper rest and trust in God’s care. Listen to the episode here:
Or listen to the episode on Spotify or YouTube.
Towards the end of our conversation, Chesed mentioned a painting that her husband gifted her with when they got married. It’s a painting of Moses standing on a rock after the Israelites had crossed the Red Sea. As Moses is standing and looking out at the waves, you can see how the waters have just engulfed the Egyptian army.
Chesed explained that this painting hangs above her daily vitamins, and it’s become an unintentional rhythm for her to look as this painting while taking her vitamins and say a breathe prayer:
Inhale: The God who did that…
Exhale: The God who did that.
In an intensely difficult year of financial instability, Chesed shared how this rhythm has become an intimate moment with God, grounding her in his provision and care.
Art often reaches us in ways that words can’t. It speaks the language of the subconscious—color, shape, symbol, texture, tone. When we sit with art, we may not “get it,” but we often feel something true. Our reaction to a piece of art can also tell us a lot about what’s happening within — awakening us to beauty and and gently reorienting our hearts towards God.
What might it look like to join me this week in spending a few minutes sitting with this painting and pondering the following questions?
What is the first thing I notice when I encounter this painting?
What emotions surface as I sit with this piece?
What might this piece reveal to me about myself?
What questions is it stirring in me?
Is there something in me that resonates, resists, or shifts as I engage with this piece?
Journeying together,
Taylor Joy